JANUARY-- Rapper B.o.B. says that the earth is flat, Neil Degrasse Tyson declares that he is a rapper.
FEBRUARY-- The 2016 U.K. budget is delivered early. The chancellor states that as all government expenditure for the coming year will go on two new aircraft carriers, it was easy to calculate.
MARCH-- Alan Pomeroy reaches the age of seventy two. The pope says that this is a greater miracle than the virgin Mary's flying hut and declares whisky to be holy.
APRIL-- Health minister Jeremy Hunt finalises arrangements to replace all NHS junior doctors with junior management consultants. "This will enable our great NHS service to fully take advantage of modern management thinking" he says
MAY-- The Early May Bank Holiday is renamed the May Bankers holiday, where bankers run riot in the City to celebrate their bonus payments. The Pound sterling reaches parity with the Rouble.
JUNE-- British vote to leave the EU. Two million expats return to the U.K. and sign on for benefits.
JULY-- In a special supplementary budget, George "Smiley" Osborne cuts all social benefits from anyone who has spent more than one week out of the country in the last ten years. Visits to luxury yachts, private islands and media moguls are exempted from these provisions.
AUGUST-- The new iPhone is released without a microphone. An Apple spokesman said "Our research shows that no one uses an iPhone to make telephone calls."
SEPTEMBER-- Internet experts say that there is a link between war zones and cancer rates. "Very few people in war zones live long enough to get cancer" tweeted a spokesman. Long queues of middle class people are seen moving towards the Syrian border, where David Wolfe is selling bottles of magic water.
OCTOBER-- Donald Trump refused planning permission to build fairy castle on Scottish golf course.,/p>
NOVEMBER-- Donald Trump becomes U.S. President and immediately signs executive order deporting everyone with Scottish ancestry.
DECEMBER-- 2016 declared the hottest year since the Earth's crust cooled. Health officials advise all white people to wear full face veils if venturing outside.